


Drug Party in Sky Hitler's Eugenic Apocalypse

by SandrC



Series: Balance My Deeds With My Misdeeds [44]
Category: Not Another D&D Podcast, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angus has fifth level spells by now, Angus is long suffering, Angus needs a break, Balance Arc, Found Family, Post-Finale, TAZ: Balance, The Band of Boobs are Bad With Children, The aforementioned sky hitler makes no appearance, The crossover no one knew they needed, Torsey the Torso Horse, Touch him and your wishes come true, lets not forget Hardwon's Drug Problem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 15:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16977003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SandrC/pseuds/SandrC
Summary: A boy scout, a hilbilly, and the son of a pirate steal a small child.It's not the setup to a joke, but for Angus, it might as well be.(Also known as: Angus McDonald is just trying to bust a drug ring and even if Faerûn and Bahumia aren't in the same damn planar system, lemme dream!)(Also also known as: Rule of Cool is in play and I want Beverly to meet Angus so fucking bad. Eat me.)(Also also also known as: the actual title is nonsense, don't worry.)





	Drug Party in Sky Hitler's Eugenic Apocalypse

**Author's Note:**

> There aren't a lot of NADDPOD fics on AO3 and, as such, there isn't really a fandom tag for them so...clicking It leads to general D&D fics and, for that, I'm very sorry.
> 
> To those of you that don't listen to NADDPOD, you don't need to have any sort of background knowledge of the setting or story to get this fic.
> 
> Beverly Toegold V is my son, but he's a dink. A very strong paladin dink. Hardwon Surefoot is also my son but he has a problem. Moonshine Cybin is my wife and I love her with all of me but she needs to stop scooping people. Specially younguns.
> 
> This is post Ep. 69 in TAZ and somewhere after the Galaderon Saga in NADDPOD so...not too far in.
> 
> Title is a joke on my fave James Roach Homestuck song: Pumpkin Party in Sea Hitler's Water Apocalypse, which wound up on my Spotify recommendations a while back so thank you, algorithm, for knowing I'm a dumb jerk with no musical consistency. Don't worry about the implications of Sky Hitler. She doesn't matter right now. Nor does her Eugenic Apocalypse.
> 
> Let's just pretend that Faerûn and Bahumia are both on Toril and call it a day. Shoosh. You don't need any backstory. Rule of Cool. Shoosh...
> 
> Hope this is...legible and reads okay. I'm very tired...

"Ma'am, if you don't let me go, I _will_ cast a second level spell on you; _please_ don't test me!" Angus wriggled in the armpit of a _very_ muddy, mushroom-covered elf. Said elf just laughed and a possum poked its head out between her very buxom breasts and screeched. This was turning out to be a very _very_ weird day, even by Angus's normally _very weird_ standards.

"Youngun, if you _wanna_ waste a second level slot on me for scoopin', by all means. We got potions for days and young Bev can touch hands for, _what_? Seventeen?" She turned to look over at a very nervous looking halfling boy, who grimaced weakly, braces flashing. Despite her stride being longer and the halfling wearing heavy armor, he was keeping up pretty well, so he probably was used to doing this.

"A-actually it's _almost_ thirty at this point!"

The elf who had 'scooped' him grinned widely. She had nice teeth, despite the dirt all over her. " _Damn_ Bev! Strong lil' Green Teen, _ain't'cha_?!"

Bev, the aforementioned halfling lit up like a Candlenights bush. " _Thanks_ Moonshine! But, um, I _do_ think we should put him down. This is just like Tonathan, only _more_ illegal I think? Coz he's a child." Logical Bev. Most likely the voice of reason, weirdly enough. Almost _nostalgic_.

"It is _very_ illegal," Angus said in his most patient Adults Seem To Think I'm Dumb voice— _almost_ trademarked due to Taako being Very On Brand about his Prodigy Boy, "and _yes_. _Put me down_. Sir?" He turned his attention to the bearded human walking alongside the elf and halfling and gave him his best Little Boy Eyes— _actually_ trademarked for the same Taako Reasons.

The humanman, _also_ wearing heavy armor and, for some reason, a very jaunty pirate hat, gave Angus a look askance, looked over to Moonshine, and asked, "Where'd you get _this_ one?" _Shit_. They were immune to Little Boy Eyes. Explained their current Little Boy.

"She scooped him in the market!" Bev explained.

It was Weird and Unusual to hear another young voice in his life but Angus could appreciate that these two adults seemed to _listen_ to their kid, at least. Unlike his own growing bevy of Grown Ass People, who dismissed him with love and respect, which was very _very_ annoying.

" _Illegally kidnapped_!" Angus protested. He tried to prepare a silent cast but the way Moonshine was jostling him every three seconds was messing his concentration.

"He was hangin' 'round the sellers with the... _you know_ ," Moonshine used a Don't Tell The Kids voice and Angus fought the urge to roll his eyes, "and I scooped him _right_ up! Can't have _another_ youngun gettin' into drugs!"

" _Oh fuck_. They were selling _that_ in the city?!"

Angus was now very worried they'd kidnapped Bev himself and the poor boy had just given up on getting back to his family. These were almost Tres Horny Bois of Bad Decision Making and also Bad With Children. Drugs and kidnapping was very bad and not a good idea.

" _No_." Bev said.

" _Nope_. Not goin' back!" Moonshine denied. The humanman frowned and deflated slightly.

"Bev's right though, we _should_ stop and un-scoop the kid." The humanman nodded at Angus, who was Very Done. He continued, "Also I think that, _similar_ to kissing kids, _kidnapping_ them will almost wholly get our Scout Master statuses revoked."

Wait, _what_?!

But despite Angus's absolute confusion, Moonshine _did_ stop and put Angus down, making sure to hand him back his fancyboy cap. She gave him a freckled grin and nodded at him, gently. "Sorry for the scoop there, youngun. I see a youngun in places they have no business bein' and I _just_...go at it! Forget that most folk don't do Time-Out Sacks like we do in the Crick."

"The... _Crick_?" Detective or not, some things were un-fucking-parseable. This was one of them. _Just_...all of Moonshine was... _unfathomable_.

Bev, the halfling kid, jogged up to Angus and gave him a handkerchief apologetically. "Moonshine's from the Crick and they have... _questionable_ child-rearing techniques. My name is Beverly Toegold the Fifth! _Pleased_ to meet you, even _if_ under scooping circumstances!" He held out his hand for Angus to take and, judging by his tone, scooping circumstances were pretty common with Moonshine.

( _The fifth meant his dad was also Beverly Toegold. Old money then. The handkerchief was fine silk, so for sure. Orthodontistry indicated a good home life. The phrase 'Green Teen' was unusual, but probably some sort of group thing. Shaved feet and painted patterns meant city-born, which was odd for halflings, but not right out. The way he carried himself and talked meant he was classically trained. Also he seemed to be genuinely genial_.)

Angus shook Beverly's hand and smiled, shaky but sincere. "Angus McDonald, World's Greatest Detective. While I appreciate the _assistence_ in the market, I _knew_ what I was doing. I've been tracking the drug trafficker for some time but...I suppose I have to go back and start over..."

Beverly shook Angus's hand a little too aggressively. " _Wow_! A detective! That's _impressive_!"

"Thank you."

" _Goddamn_!" Moonshine slammed the heel of her hand against her forehead and crouched to be level with Angus which was, in his opinion, condescending. "Where's my hospitality?! Moonshine Cybin, pleased t'meet'cha lil' Ango."

( _The overalls were worn and dirty, probably all she owned. The possum was sitting between her breasts and was happily gnawing on one of a hundred mushrooms in said same overall bib. Dirty feet and mushrooms everywhere. Wild but warm. A druid or a ranger, though the mushrooms were a mystery._ )

" _Just_ Angus is fine, miss Cybin."

"Hardwon Surefoot, Bastard of the Mountain, Pride of the Dwarfinage, Born of Sky and Storm, Oft Dead, at your service!" The humanman proclaimed loudly. Behind Moonshine, Beverly's ears quivered and reddened. He seemed _embarrassed_ by their unique introductions, shrinking in on himself.

( _Not his parents, apparently, but his Scout Masters? More than that because of the idolation that seems to be going on between Bev and the other two. Moonshine and Hardwon aren't together in the romantic sense, it seems, but at least are together in the platonic sense. Beverly holds them to high esteem. They treat him well enough, it seems_.)

"Pleased to meet you, mister Surefoot. Is that a _Dwarven_ surname?"

Hardwon preened. "You noticed?"

"You have a pretty intricate braid for a human but it reads as Irondeep standard. _Male, Into Women, Open to Others._ A very complex pattern for most but it reads well with the volume you have. You take _very_ good care of your facial hair!"

" _Shit_ , kid, you can _read_ that shit?! First non-Dwarf I've known to be aware of braiding patterns!" He was impressed. Maybe he wouldn't be so bad. He held his hand out for a fist-bump. Angus reciprocated awkwardly.

( _Dwarven raised. No parents. Accumulation of titles indicates a need for validation. Surefoot meant that he was good at climbing which, for Dwarves, didn't mean much. Oft Dead could mean many things, but most likely meant Death Wish Dumbass, like Magnus. Born of Sky and Storm likely meant he knew his birth parents and they were...something interesting. Large beard, for sure, but impressive for a middle-aged human._ )

"I have a co-worker who's a Dwarf and another who overshares and learned Dwarven braiding techniques. You pick up on things like that pretty quick in an environment like that." Angus scanned the group and sighed. "But, all kind introductions aside, I _do_ have a job to do. My employer isn't fond of the drug being out and about on the streets and I'm inclined to agree."

Beverly nodded, " _Yeah_ , for _sure_. R*CANE is a _very bad drug_ and we _don't_ condone its usage." He gave Hardwon a long-suffering look as if to say Don't And Also Shut Up You Asshole.

Hardwon blushed underneath his bushy beard, "Yeah. We, _uh_ , don't fucking do, _um_ , drugs in this group! No drugs kids!"

Moonshine laughed and the possum between her breasts screeched and scrambled. "Anywhomst, good t'meetcha Angus! PawPaw _also_ says hi." She gestured to the possum, who scrambled around for a second and screeched more.

"H-hello there PawPaw." Angus nodded at the possum. Then he inhaled deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Do you think that any of you could possibly point me back in the direction of the city I was in? I _do_ really need to retrace my tracks and I can't _really_ retrace when I was...scooped."

Beverly grinned and held his hand up, "I can do that! I have my _Retracing Your Steps_ badge!"

( _So Green Teens are a Boy Scout style organization. Though that badge seems arbitrary at best._ )

"While I appreciate the help, I can make my way well enough on my own, _but_ ," Angus added, noting how quickly Beverly's mood was falling, "directions would be appreciated."

"You _know_ ," Hardwon said, " _kinda_ funny that R*CANE is still in production considering what we did to Ezry and the whole steeze there?"

This gave Angus pause. "You... _what_?"

"Oh _yeah_!" Moonshine pet PawPaw roughly. "We _kinda_ blew that damn horror show _right_ up! But wasn't the drug itself being produced _outside_ the bubble?"

"According to Stunkbug, _yeah_." Beverly nodded and gestured in a roundabout manner. "The means was _discovered_ by that darn doctor, but when Skullis grabbed the formula and escaped to the slums, the production of _the drug itself_ was started _outside_ of Ezry proper!" There was a pregnant pause. Then he added, "Also they called me a bubble boy which, while not harmful, _did_ hurt my feelings."

Moonshine pat Beverly on the head, an affectionate smile on her face. "S'okay youngun. We know you're not a bubble boy."

"M'a _city_ boy though." Angus frowned but decided not to press the matter.

Instead he decided to prod at the whole concept of them knowing the origins of R*CANE. "You said that you _blew a town up_?"

"Oh _yeah_ ," Hardwon nodded. He was obviously proud of his hand in things. "I mean, _just_ the _bubble_ bit of Ezry, but we _did_ blow up a central bit of it and, I dunno...I _think_ a chunk of the bubble did catch fire. I wasn't too busy looking back."

"That's when we scooped up Tonothan!"

Moonshine nodded, "Then you goofed a god and broke your legs."

 _Nope_. He wasn't gonna chase that. _The job_ , Angus. Focus on the job.

"Can you share any information you have on the drug as well as its production, distribution, and where to find the current kingpin? From the way you spoke of Skullis, I can assume they're no longer alive."

"Oh, he's _super_ fucking dead!"

"And straight-edge, ironically enough!" Beverly nodded.

" _Okay_?"

"The drug was manufactured originally as a way to produce artificial Eldritch Knights. It's...distilled Wild Magic? And you... _snort_ it. Kinda looks like a colored powder that allows you to harness magic of a specific element type and also you can possibly _blow up_." The cavalier way that Beverly was discussing a complicated drug production and its effects and the way that Hardwon was sweating made Angus _certain_ that _someone_ in the group had a drug problem.

"As for the _current_ kingpin, we dunno." Moonshine smiled.

"Last _we_ checked, there were half a dozen people making the shit with varying degrees of... _good_. Ezry's entire slums kinda fell in the wayside so...people were snorting the shit all the fucking time. _Long_ before we blew the town up."

" _Again_ ," Beverly added, grimly, "we didn't _really_ blow the town up. Just that big 'rehab center' that the doctor was doing all that messed up stuff in."

"Oh,  you can swear around me, Beverly. It's not an issue." It finally clicked that Beverly was avoiding swearwords while Moonshine and Hardwon were swearing up blue streaks.

That, however, was the wrong thing to say, as Beverly reddened and vibrated slightly. " _Oh_ I...that is...I _don't_..."

"Lil' Bev don't like swearin'. His momma don't like it neither," Moonshine supplied. Hardwon nodded.

"Also, how old _are_ you, Mister 'World's Greatest Detective'?! I don't wanna swear around a fucking baby."

"I'm almost _twelve_ , sir!" Angus puffed out his chest, so _damn_ proud. Taako had hinted that he definitely would be having a _StarBlasztr_ -brand birthday party so it would be...an _event_.

" _Oh sweet P_!"

" _Holy fuck_!"

" _Oh Melora_..." All three let out soft oaths.

"Don't start _that_ shit. I helped save the world when I was just eleven. And I've been doing the detective thing since I was _much_ younger. Drug rings are _easy_ money." Angus _hated_ when people reduced him to his age. At eleven, he had fifth level spells and could call on cops from all over Toril. He was _damn_ near _emancipated_!

" _Still_ ," Moonshine said, eyes wide and darting back and forth between Angus and Beverly, "our youngun is _fifteen_ so, forgive us if we're a _bit_ spooked..."

 _Oh_? Well that made _a type_ of sense.

"It's _fine_. I just...get a _little_ aggressive about my age."

Hardwon snorted, "I mean, _fair enough_. If I was doing _half_ the shit you were at eleven, I'd be pretty pissy about people shitting all over _my_ age _too_!"

"That's _really_ impressive!" Beverly looked a bit star-struck which, _nope_. _Stop that. Just give me the information. Don't idolize me._

"Thank you but, _again_ , information? If you don't know the current kingpin or location of distributor, then do you know where I can find any of them?"

Moonshine shook her head, "Nothing that could help. Like we said, Ezry was the start of it but R*CANE is pretty wide-spread at this point, which is... _not_ great."

"Fair." Angus hummed and looked back into the woods. " _So_..."

"The city was _that_ way," Beverly pointed towards a large swathe of underbrush. He gave Angus a crooked smile, braces glinting. "About five or ten minutes to walk, less if you have a steed."

"I've got slots to burn. I can call a horse."

"A _real_ horse?!" Beverly's voice cracked. _Something_ about that distressed him.

" _Phantom Steed_ , for sure. I don't have the space for a _real_ horse and my teacher _made sure_ I knew that one _as_ soon as I could cast it." Angus pulled his wand out his sleeve and gestured, calling Torsey—the name was a joke that never left, even _after_ Angus had figured out to call a _whole_ damn horse—into being. Torsey whinnied and his glittering mane waved in a non-existent wind.

" _Nice_."

"Thank you for the information! Good luck on your journey!" Angus mounted Torsey and pointed his snoot in the direction Beverly indicated.

"Good luck busting that drug ring!"

"Maybe I'll scoop you up again some time!"

Angus stifled a laugh, "Maybe. Or, _yanno_ , just keep a lookout for the World's Greatest Detective!" Then he urged Torsey on and headed back to town.

 _Goddamn_ , but those people were weird. Even by _his_ jank-ass standards...

Taako wouldn't believe him _even if_ he had proof. But it would make for a good story to swap with Davenport.

He hoped they'd be okay, in the end.

They _seemed_ competent enough.


End file.
